


The (not so little) Little Mermaid

by holymemebatman (gaysandcrime)



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Adorable Podrick is adorable, Alternate Universe - The Little Mermaid Fusion, Cersei is always drunk (but what else is new), Crack, Evil Octopus Melisandre, F/M, Isle of Tarth, Kings Landing, Lagoons aren't actually romantic, Mermaid Brienne, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Prince Jaime, Roose Bolton is an angry frenchman, Sailing, Socks, Underwater kingdoms, and yet i can regret nothing, apparently crackfic is all im good for, fish are friends not food, ft Tyrion as the comic relief, loras tyrell is a gay crab who's in love with a gay merman renly, margaery tyrell is a crab? yep, possibly ft brightroar, what is this trash, yes podrick is a fish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 16:11:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12774654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaysandcrime/pseuds/holymemebatman
Summary: Brienne wants nothing more than to leave Tarth and travel to King's Landing, become a knight and leave court life behind forever. Instead, she makes a deal with a red octopus, loses her voice and meets a vexing man with stupid golden hair who she might be a tiny bit in love with.





	The (not so little) Little Mermaid

**Author's Note:**

> I present to you the Braime mermaid story you were all definitely not looking for #sorrynotsorry. Is it crack or is it romance? Nobody knows. I own nothing and I know nothing. Everything, everyone, everywhere, etc belong to Disney or GRRM. Even the chapter titles are not original: they are nursery rhymes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dinglehoppers 'n stuff

**Chapter One: I saw a ship sailing**

_I saw a ship a-sailing,_  
_sailing on the sea._  
_and, oh, but it was laden_  
_with pretty things for thee._

 

Brienne can't help the smile that appears on her face the moment she reaches higher waters. She can practically see the sky already, can almost feel the warm sun on her shoulders; she spirals through the clear waters as fast as possible, her thick blue tail propelling her forward. As soon as she bursts through the surface of the ocean she laughs out loud and flips over to float on her back. Her tail flicks lazily in the water as her freckled skin soaks up the sunlight like a sea sponge soaks up water. She can't help but hum a little tune under her breath as she floats about, something she'd never do where someone could hear her because she is horribly self-conscious. 

"I'll tell you a tale of the bottomless blue, and its hey to the starboard, heave ho," she sings quietly enough that the splashing of the waves masks it. "Look out lad a mermaid be waiting for you, in mysterious fathoms below!" Brienne pauses for a second while she tries to remember the rest of the words, before shrugging and humming the tune instead. She's only ever heard it the once, a couple years ago when she'd traveled with her father to High Garden. She'd been especially fortunate that trip, leaving with not only some very nice song lyrics, but a new companion in the form of Margaery Tyrell, who, crab or not, turned out to be a lot of fun. 

She is suddenly jolted from her singing and swimming by the sound of laughter. She opens her eyes and rights herself, turning about to see where it can possibly have come from. Sound travels strangely over water, she knows, but the laughter had sounded quite close and unless it's another of her father's people (which seems unlikely considering not many merpeople dared defy King Selwyn by traveling to the surface) then the only thing it can be is a human.

And despite her desperate desire to  _become_  a human and be a knight (or possibly even a member of the kingsguard, though that is even less likely to happen since she is a girl) she knows that nothing good will come of a human seeing her now. She sinks beneath the waves until she is sure she is completely out of sight, and watches as the huge underbelly of a ship comes toward her through the water. 

 

***

 

The sailors are singing away with Bronn in their midst, loud and rowdy and raucous. Jaime bounds up the steps from below deck where his cabin is, dressed in a simple tunic and breeches like everyone else aboard  _The Kingslayer_. He smiles widely at the sailors he passes on his way toward Bronn, and can't help the sigh that escapes when he looks out at the seemingly endless expanse of sea before him.

"Isn't it perfection, Bronn? Out on the open sea, surrounded by nothing but water and imagination!"

"Aye, it's alright." Bronn takes a swig from the flask in his hand and laughs as Jaime's uncle Kevan stumbles toward them to heave over the side of the rail. "Your uncle finds it right fookin' delightful, don't he?" He laughs again, tossing Kevan his flask once the man is done vomiting.

Kevan grumbles under his breath before wiping his mouth and taking a sip. 

Ignoring them both, Jaime turns back to the sea and breaths in the smell of salt, letting the air turn his perfect hair into a mess of golden waves in the wind. He thinks about how both Cersei and his father would scowl at him for letting his hair get so messy; in fact, he thinks, they'd hate that he's even on this ship at all. He sighs and tries not to let thoughts of his sister and father ruin his mood.

"Oi, Lannister, ya great cunt!" Bronn's voice, ever unmistakable, is a welcome interruption to his thoughts.

"Ser! You cannot address the Prince like that!" His uncle's voice....not so much. He turns around and watches Bronn snort in amusement.

"Uncle, I honestly couldn't give two fucks what that bastard calls me," he says airily, joining them where they're sitting and stealing the flask from his uncle.

"Who you callin' bastard, you fookin' bastard?" Bronn's laugh is loud enough to startle the gulls which had alighted on the rail, and Jaime can't help but join in.

Kevan is listening to the sailors and scoffs loudly at what they're singing. "King of the sea? Why, that’s nautical nonsense – nothing but a superstition! There's no such thing as merpeople!" Jaime rolls his eyes and takes another swig from Bronn's flask, when suddenly his ears pick up the sound of a woman... humming?

"What is that? Do you hear something?" He turns his head, trying to pinpoint where on earth it could be coming from; he knows for a fact that there aren't any women on board his ship, because superstition or not, women on a voyage is terribly bad luck. And oddly enough, the sound seems to be coming from the sea behind him. Which is impossible, of course. Jaime stands slowly and makes his way back to the edge of the ship, leaning over the rail slightly so as to peer into the depths of the ocean.

The humming seems to get a bit louder, he thinks, and for a moment blocks everything out but the sound of the humming, trying to pinpoint exactly where it could be coming from. It sounds almost as if it's coming from directly in front of him, so clear is the sound! He narrows his eyes and leans a bit farther over the rail, peering into the water, not quite sure what exactly he's hoping to see but doing it none the less. He sees movement, a dark shape seemingly diving deeper, and catches sight of a flash of blue, before his uncle once again interrupts him and whatever it is disappears along with the humming.

"Prince Jaime, please….enough sea-faring! You’ve got to get back to court – to honor Tywin's dying wish and take up his crown!"

Jaime growls under his breath and pushes away from the railing angrily. "And what if I don't  _want_  the bloody crown? Let Tyrion have it, he'd make a much better king than I ever would!"

Kevan is shocked into silence, and in that moment Bronn speaks up with a laugh. "What, you think your bloody dwarf brother would be able to take the crown?" He chuckles. "Your sister would have his fookin' head for it, don't ya think? She'd bloody well blow up King's Landing before letting that sly fucker take it."

He sighs for what is possibly the hundredth time. "You're right, of course. Fuck, but I really don't want it."

His uncle seems to find his voice again. "You'd forsake his kingdom?  _Your_  kingdom?" His voice becomes a whisper. "All of his treasures?"

Jaime scoffs loudly. "Treasures? You mean like this?" He grabs a goblet of silver from the drinking table and holds it aloft. "Who needs it? We drink straight out of the bottle, don’t we, boys?" The sailors roar their approval, and Jaime tosses the cup to one of them. "Or this?"  He raises a silver fork, the Lannister lion engraved upon its handle. "No, thanks! I’d rather eat with my bare hands!" He tosses it and the fork goes sailing through the air, off the side of the ship, into the water with a splash. The sailors cheer and stomp their feet, and he can hear Bronn laughing in the background. He stares his uncle down, wondering once again why his father had made him take Kevan on this latest journey.

Kevan is the first to look away. "You're a prince, Jaime, not some common sailor!"

"Common sailor?" Jaime glared. "There's nothing 'common' about being  _free,_ uncle! These men," he spun and gestured with his hands to the large group around them. "These men are truly free! They don't have to answer to their father's or their people, it's just them and their mates and the sea." He stops and smiles a bit. "In all honesty, I'd rather be a sailor than a prince any day." And isn't that what he kept trying to tell everyone back home on King's Landing? Cersei and father, his friend Addam and even Tyrion to an extent; all he's ever wanted to do is be a sailor, exploring the sea and finding new lands. As a child he'd been told tales of his uncle Gerion, who sailed away across the sea searching for lost Lannister treasure and never returned. And for as long as he can remember, Jaime has wanted nothing more than to be his uncle Gerion, searching far and wide for treasure, sailing until the end of his days. The only person who  understood that without question was his aunt Genna. Though Jaime has to admit that while Tyrion never really  _understood,_  he certainly didn't begrudge him his desires, his dreams and hopes; no, the only people who really didn't care what Jaime wanted were his sister and father.

Jaime finds himself scowling at the thought, and that's when he hears the strange humming again. "There!" He near whispers, and his uncle looks at him strangely. "There it is again! Don't you hear it, uncle? I could swear someone was humming..."

One of the sailors speak up from the group. "We oughtta head back to shore, mi'lord. There's a storm seems ta be brewin', jus' there, see?"

Kevan gives Jaime one last strange look and nods his head. "Yes, quite right!"

Annoyed at his uncle and the fact that he keeps hearing a humming that cannot possibly exist, he refuses. "Not while I’m captain. Now," he turns to the sea to try and pinpoint just  _exactly_  where the voice was coming from. "That way, men! Onward!"

"Aye-aye, Captain!" his men shout as they rush to their positions. The ship begins to move forward once again, and Jaime can't help the smile that stretches his lips as the wind sends his hair flying once again. The rest of the crew is still singing raucously around him, and not for the first time Jaime thinks that this is where he belongs.

 

***

 

Brienne watches as the boat moves away from her hiding spot, and slowly floats back up to the surface. She holds a silver...  _thing_  in her hands; it's long and thin and has three points at one end, very much like her father's trident spear. As she takes a closer look, she can see a creature of some sort carved into the long end, and can't help but wonder what sort of land animal it might be.

"Well, whatever this thing is, it's beautiful!" her voice is soft with awe as she twirls the silver thing around, letting it catch sunlight and watching as it glitters like some sort of exotic jewel. A tiny splash comes from beside her, and she turns to see Podrick and Margaery appear. 

Podrick flaps his fins a bit in a wave and smiles. "Hi, Brienne! There you are!" He turns to the crab beside him. "Ha! Take that! I totally knew she'd be up here!"

Margaery rolls her eyes and waves her crabby arms around. "Whatever! I totally got here first."

"Did not!"

"Did too! You're a slow poke!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

Brienne tries to hide the tiny trident behind her back and stop the fight before it can really begin. "Podrick! Margaery! Enough!." She gives them her best stern look. "What are you two doing up here?"

Podrick stops fighting and looks around. "Whoa. Freaky."

Margaery smirks. "What, never been to the surface before?"

He scowls (as much as a fish can scowl). "Uh, yeah. Sure. Me and the, uh, other fish in my school, we come up here all the time."

"It that so?" Brienne can't help but smile a little at Podrick.

"Yeah! We're not scared of sharks. Or boats. Or fishermen." He swallows nervously. "What's a... a "chum bucket"? Are those for real?"

Margaery laughs. "You are afraid, aren’t you?"

"No, I’m not! I’m here now, aren’t I?" He pauses for a second as he looks at Margaery beside him before turning away quickly and continuing. "Uh, with you."

"Pod, you’re blushing…" Margaery's voice is suddenly very soft, and Brienne watches as Podrick blushes even more.

"I'm not blushing! It’s, uh... a sunburn. Yeah. That."

Brienne laughs a bit. "Pod, you're a fish. You realize that, right?"

He scowls a little fishy scowl but it just makes him look cuter. "Yeah, so?"

Both her and Margaery roll their eyes but Brienne lets Margaery answer. " _So,_ stupid, you can't _get_  sunburned! Are you flirting with me?"

They both watch as Podrick spins around wildly and nearly flips over. "Gross! Blech! No way!" He is pointedly  _not_  looking at Margaery, and then peeks up a tiny bit. "Um, but if I was - ?"

Margaery smiles and reaches out to plant a big crabby smooch on top of his fishy head. He sighs and Brienne sees his little fins flap about uselessly for a moment.

"I hate to interrupt such a touching moment," she says dryly and nearly snorts when they both turn abruptly away from each other, as if they'd somehow forgotten she was even there. "But guess what I found today!" She holds up the tiny trident and smiles. "It was floating in the wake of a giant ship!"

Podrick moves closer, his eyes wide with curiosity. "Treasure?"

Brienne nods enthusiastically. "Yes! It's it lovely?"

Margaery comes closer as well. "Hmm, interesting. What is it?"

Brienne frowns down at the thing in her hands thoughtfully. "I don’t know… it looks a bit like father's trident, but I don't think humans  _have_ tridents..." She loses her train of thought as she catches sight of a chubby seagull with a bald head flying toward them.

The seagull lands on a rock beside them and adjusts the lavender ribbon around its neck. "Greetings, Brienne, Margaery, Podrick."

Brienne waves the item around and smiles widely. "Varys, look what we found! Isn't it wonderful?"

"More human paraphernalia, hm? You’ve asked the right bird; I happen to be an expert on that very specie-ality!" Varys preens a bit before leaning forward to examine the object Brienne has thrust toward him.

Podrick swims closer and peers up out of the water. "Can you tell us what it’s for?"

"Of course! This is rare, ridiculously rare. And in beautiful condition, too!"

Brienne waits in anticipation. "What? What is it?" She can hardly breathe, and her hand trembles a bit in her excitement.

Varys smiles (maybe a little creepily but how else can a bald fat seagull smile if not creepily). "It’s... a... dinglehopper!"

"A dinglehopper?" Margaery sounds a bit skeptical, but Brienne can hardly hear her over the sound of her beating heart as she gazes down at the tiny trident- no,  _dinglehopper,_  in her hands.

"Commonly used in saloons, yes, of the beauty variety." He mimes brushing his hair (not that he has any, being both bald and a bird). "Humans, they like to wear their hair in tails. A primp here and a twirl there and voila! All thanks to -"

Brienne laughs and holds it up so it catches the sunlight. "The dinglehopper!"

Varys nods. "I'll give you two sand dollars for it."

Shaking her head, Brienne pulls the dinglehopper back toward her chest, holding it protectively. "Varys, no -"  

"On the open sea, you're not likely to get more than a few clams. But I’m prepared to offer -"

"I’m not selling it, Varys! I’m saving it for my collection!" 

Varys sighs. "What about a swap, then? I could give you my new snarfblatt- sounds just delightful, truly. Most wonderful music you'll ever hear, second cousin to the tuba, I believe." 

Podrick giggles. "Snarfblatt? It makes music?"

Brienne freezes for a moment, her blue eyes wide with panic. "Music? Oh no! Father’s gonna kill me!"

Podrick and Margaery glance at each other in horror. "The concert was today?" 

"I completely forgot!" She stuffs the dinglehopper into her bag and turns around quickly. "Come on, Podrick, Margaery! Thanks Varys, but we really have to go!" And with that, Brienne dives down into the sea, both Podrick and Margaery quickly following, lest they get left behind.

 

***

 

"Benevolent Merfolk! Creatures of the Deep! Today marks a special anniversary – for many years ago, on this fateful day, I inherited the Sapphire Isles and banished the Red Sea Witch forever!"

The crowd cheers and shouts, "Hail, King Selwyn! Long live the King!"

Selwyn laughs and bows low. "And so, it’s time to celebrate our victory! In honor of the occasion, may I introduce our Master of Ceremonies... Loras Tyrell of High Garden!"

The crowd cheers again as Loras scuttles forward on his crabby legs and tries his best to bow (not very easy for a crab, I assure you) and somehow manages admirably. 

"Good morning, Vietnam!" He says, and like always the crowd laughs as if they get the joke (which they don't).

Selwyn smiles down at him and asks, "So, tell us, what have you in store?"

Loras beams and does a tiny crab dance. "I've got a special song, just for the occasion! And it’s going to be performed by none other than your lovely children! I wrote this little number for my star pupil -"

"Oh? And who might that be?" King Selwyn asks, knowing full well who Loras means.

Loras's boyfriend Renly jumps in. "Your youngest, of course! Princess Brienne, why, she has the voice of an angel! I haven't heard such a sound since... well..."

Selwyn finishes Renly's sentence, a small smile on his face. "Since Her Royal Highness, my dear wife, may she rest in peace."

"Well, she's going to do you proud, sir, you'll see!" Loras smiles up at the king before scuttling closer to Renly and muttering under his breath, "If only she's show up to bloody rehearsals once in a while." Renly snorts.

Selwyn ignores them and turns back to the crowd with a smile. "Let the merriment begin!" And with that a giant clam opens up to reveal the king's children; Alysanne, Arianne and Galladon. They begin singing in harmony with Loras before them, conducting. When the solo comes up, Alysanne and Arianne each grab a fistful of seaweed curtain and pull, revealing the center of the clam to hold...

No one?

From the front of the stage, Loras groans. "Not again, child!" He beats himself on the head with his baton until Renly rushes over to take it away.

King Selwyn swims forward. "Where in the name of the Maiden, the Mother and the Crone has that sister of yours gone?" 

Loras scuttles forward, waving his tiny red arms around in agitation. "Apologies, Your Grace, but that girl - she's going to be the death of me! Swimming when she should be singing, never coming to rehearsals-!"

Alysanne sniffs and crosses her arms. "If I’d had that solo, this would never have happened."

Arianne flicks her tail impatiently. "That girl is angling for trouble -"

"I say, give her the hook."

Renly smiles in amusement. "Fish puns? Aren’t we better than that?"

"Honestly, Daddy! You let Ariel get away with everything!" Arianne pouts.

Selwyn swallows hard and glances around in panic, trying to somehow escape the situation but also looking for a way to calm them all down. "Now, now. I love all my daughters equally..."

Galladon snorts. "Oh,  _thanks,_  dad."

Selwyn winces and tries to back track. "Oh- well, I didn't mean... uh, you know I love... um." He looks at Renly and Loras, hoping for some help, but they are too busy bickering to see.

Alysanne twirls around with her pink tail flicking both her sister and brother. "It's true though! Galladon is older and stronger, and Arianne...well..."

Arianne punches her sister in the arm and scowls. "Hey! What’ve  _you_  got that Brienne doesn’t?"

Alysanne pauses for a moment before swimming up to her sister and staring her straight in the eyes. "Naked ambition and a willingness to kill."

Selwyn sighs and holds his hands up. "All right, that's enough! Both of you, stop it this instant, or I'll-"

Just then, Brienne bursts in, both Podrick and Margaery following close behind.

Loras smirks at his sister. "Well, look what the catfish dragged in!" Margaery glares and clacks her crabby claws at him in warning. Both he and Renly laugh.

Brienne ignores everyone but her father. "Daddy, forgive me, I’m so sorry, I didn't mean to be late-"

"Brienne, young lady-"

"I just forgot, that’s all! I promise, it won't happen again!"

Selwyn cuts her off. "As a result of your careless behavior,"

Loras chimes in. "Careless  _and_  reckless behavior!"

Selwyn pauses before continuing. "Yes, yes quite right! Well, the entire celebration was-"

"Ruined! Completely destroyed! This concert was to be the pinnacle of my distinguished career!" Loras shouts and scuttles around in circles, both his boyfriend and his sister forgotten.

Selwyn sighs. "Loras..."

"Now, thanks to you, I’m the laughing stock of the whole kingdom!"

Alysanne and Arianne both shoot up in protest. "Hey! We gave up a date with a whale of a guy-"

Galladon sticks his nose in the air and sniffs haughtily. "I don’t sing backup for anybody-"

The king loses his patience and shouts, "DO YOU MIND!?" His three older children all huff in annoyance and swim away. Selwyn turns to his youngest daughter with a sigh. "Brienne, you know that you have a gift! You have-"

"I know, I know- my mother's voice." She sighs. "But daddy, singing is just... it's wonderful, but it's not..." She sighs again and shakes her head. "Never mind."

"You have a wondrous talent, one that deserves practice and care. So please, Brienne," He raises her chin so that he can see her eyes (so much like her mother's that sometimes it's uncanny) "Please, for the sake of her memory-"

She smiles and nods. "I will." She leans in to hug him.

Podrick finally speaks up from behind her, his tiny fins moving so rapidly that Selwyn fears they might fall off. "It isn't even her fault! If that know-it-all seagull handn't started going on and on...!"

"Seagull? SEAGULL?" Selwyn releases his daughter and glares at her. "You went up to the surface again? How many times have I told you, Brienne!"

"Nobody saw me, nothing happened! I swear!"

"But you could have been seen! By one of those- those  _barbarians_ _!"_

Brienne scowls back and clenches her fists. "They aren't barbarians!"

"They are dangerous, more dangerous than you can know, Brienne! Traps and harpoons and-" he swallows and calms down a bit. "Look, like it or not you are my youngest. My baby! And so I worry about you the most-"

"I can look after myself, I'm seventeen-"

"AS LONG AS YOU LIVE UNDER MY REEF, YOU'LL OBEY MY RULES!" Selwyn's voice fills the space they are in, his words echoing off the walls.

Brienne shouts back. "IF YOU'D JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE-"

"THAT IS THE LAST TIME YOU WILL EVER SWIM TO THE SURFACE, AND THAT IS FINAL! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Brienne wants to scream in frustration and stomp about (which was impossible because of her tail). Never has she desired human legs so much! "You're so unfair!" She tries not to burst into tears as she whirls away and leaves, but can't stop the few that escape, which both Podrick and Margaery surely saw as they follow her out.

Selwyn also wants to scream in frustration and stomp his feet. "Agh! Seven help me! She’s headstrong! Willful! Stubborn as a barnacle!"

Loras nods. "Teenagers! Give them an inch, and they swim all over you!"

The king sighs and floats down to sit beside Loras and Renly. "I can govern a kingdom, but I can’t control my daughter. I was too harsh. She’ll learn to fear me – I don’t want that. She needs her mother, Loras. And so do I, for I fear I am lost."

Renly shakes his head. "Now, now, Your Grace! It’s difficult, sure. But you have got to toughen up, not melt down. For Brienne's sake! I’m telling you, that child needs constant supervision! Someone who can watch over her, keep her out of trouble,"

"That’s not a bad idea. Someone to safeguard her every move -"

Loras pipes in. "Her every dog paddle!"

"Her every side-stroke -"

"Her every dive!"

The king finally smiles. "And you are just the crab to do it!"

Blink.

Blink.

Loras clears his crabby throat. "What?"

Selwyn nods. "You heard me! From now on, Brienne is your responsibility!" He swims away and Loras is left on the rock dumbfounded, staring at Renly.

"Um... what just happened?"


End file.
